Reframing Your Thoughts About Crying

When our children cry, our first instinct is to settle them down. In their first few years, the only way little ones can communicate is through crying. Sometimes it’s to be fed or changed or comforted, and sometimes it’s because something has changed. It could be any big change, from a family event to learning how to self-soothe, or even something as exciting as mommy and me classes — even good changes are changes.

We can easily blame ourselves for not being able to calm down our little one or figure out what they need at this stage in their social emotional development. We can also just as easily start to place blame on them. But remember: no one is to blame. You are teaching a tiny human to communicate without being able to communicate with them — it is going to be frustrating. However, understanding and reframing the way we think about crying can potentially help!

Crying is Communication

Our little ones are trying to tell us they need something. Sometimes they are going to cry when a change in routine happens. Sometimes our little ones cry simply because they don’t get what they want. Giving it to them just because they cry will teach them that is how they get what they want, and unlearning that response can be even more challenging later in their social emotional development. Helping them find something new when they are first learning to communicate wants is a great way to redirect, and it encourages them to make a new choice when something does not go their way.

Feelings Are Temporary

We as grown-ups are not happy all the time, so why should we expect that of our little ones? If your little one typically sleeps with you at night and you want to start having them sleep in their own bed, they are going to be sad about it, and you probably will be, too! We can feel those sad feelings AND move forward with this big step in their social emotional development because we know it’s in our little one’s best interest. Additionally, some parents like to stay in the room while their little one falls asleep, some want to say goodnight to their little one and let them get used to going to sleep alone more quickly — you can move through this change in whatever way makes you and your little one feel comfortable. 

Support, Don’t Fix

Around age 3 or 4, our little ones are first developing their emotional vocabularies, and crying is very much part of that. If our little ones are still learning how to share, or dealing with a big change in their life, they probably need support. Encouraging self-soothing and regulating is great, and for some little ones they need a bit more social emotional development guidance before they can do it by themselves. Big feelings can be very overwhelming! Just sitting with your little one while they cry can be what they need to find some calm and move on with their day.

Crying stirs up so many feelings in adults taking care of little ones, but understanding and reframing what crying means can help us better support them and help them learn there is nothing wrong with crying, even at exciting new mommy and me classes!

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